Thoughts on adoption

Today was an interesting day...

I went to pick up Ms. A to take her to a doctors appointment. I had never been to her house so I got lost and started crying in the car because I thought for sure that she was going to think I was a "flake" and change her mind about placing with us.

I finally made it to her house....the same time that her doctor appointment started but she was able to have them reschedule for an hour and a half later so that I could still go with her. I was going to hear the heart beat and get to see the ultrasound. Neither happend. We showed up for the appointment and the technician wasn't there to run the machine and so they said we would have to reschedule for another time. It was still good because I got to spend time with Ms. A and get to know her more as a person rather than a "birthmother."

We talked a lot while waiting for her appointment and we talked a lot about what kind of an "open adoption" we would have. The phrase scares me to be honest. What does it even mean? I have read a ton of articles and have found nothing concrete as to if it is better for the child or not, but you are dealing with humans and humans are never the same, so the results can never be the same twice. I just want to know what affect an open adoption will have on my child. Will they love me for it? Will they hate me for it? Is it good for them....or will they need therapy? I just want to do what is best for my child....but it is so complicated...and hurts my brain to think about.

Ms. A. wants to be able to visit the baby and see how she is doing and would like updates via pictures, letters, etc. Today she told me she would like more of her extended family to have more involvement and to have more time during the holidays and birthdays. That made me nervous....but not because they aren't good people....because I am selfish.

I feel guilty for even saying this but I was overcome with anger tonight as I have been pondering on our whole situation. I cried. and cried. and then a little more.  I know that I should just be happy that we are adopting (and I am...don't get me wrong...we are ecstatic) but I also feel angry that I can't have the "norm" that I can't or won't ever be the only "mom" in my baby's life. That I have to share. For a brief second all of the feelings that I had when we found out that we couldn't have our own children came rushing back....remembering that our kids won't look like us (even though they will probably have the same mannerism and facial expressions....i know) but it isn't the same. That I will never have a "pregnant" glow or understand the bond between a biological mother and child.  I feel guilty for even writing this. I feel guilty for having these feelings. For having any anger in a time when I should feel nothing but overwhelmingly happy.

So as I was having my "moment" a thought came to my mind....and it was not my own thought...but a thought that was giving to me by a loving Heavenly Father who can comfort us when we need it because He has felt all of our pain and sadness. The thought was, "I had to share my son too." If He can do something so eternally selfless and loving then I can too. If He can send his son, to share with everyone, who ultimately despised and hated him, then why should I not be willing to share my daughter or son with people who will love and cherish them, and who want nothing but the best for them?

More crazy posts to follow as we are on this journey.....this very interesting and happy and sad and amazing journey.