Adoption is our Option

So we have finally finished our testing for infertility and found out that having a baby is just not going to happen for us in the way that we imagined. That I will never be able to feel a baby kick inside me, or be able to complain about swelling feet or back aches. That Brandon will never be able to rub my pregnant belly and talk to our baby or have to rush to the hospital because my water just broke. I will never have to buy maternity clothes or have people ask me when I was due and if it was twins because I was so huge. Brandon will never have to make 2am craving runs or the opportunity to dance around the kitchen as we hold up the pregnancy test telling us that we are pregnant. I will never have the opportunity to see what our child will look like and to be able to say, "He looks just like his dad," or "she has My eyes." I have had so many emotions in the last 24 hours. Everything from anger and sadness to hope and excitement for finally knowing what we have to do to start our family.

 Part of me wants to throw this back in the face of every person that ever said anything to us about having kids. People that put pressure or tried to make us feel like we are less than or not righteous enough and that is why Heavenly Father is not trusting us with his children. People have called us liars and every Sunday we would get asked the million dollar question, "Five years is a long time with no kids, when are you guys going to start your family?" We asked ourselves the same question. I began to believe that I wasn't righteous enough and that obviously Heavenly Father just didn't trust me enough or think that I was ready to be a mom. Then we started to feel like the more prepared we were temporally then, just maybe, Heavenly Father would see that we were ready and that we were doing all that we could.  I realize now that nothing we could do would have done any good and that it's time to forgive and to move on. 

 It reminds me of the story in the New Testament where Christ and His Apostles see a blind man who had been blind from birth and the Apostles ask him what did his parents do or what sin did he commit that made him blind from birth. Christ replies, "Neither has this man sinned, nor his parents:but that the works of God should be made manifest in him." I have realized that those people are not right. God isn't punishing us or telling us that we are sinners and not worthy, He is giving us the opportunity to see His work in our life.

As we look back on the last couple of years we see how He has started to prepare us for this. In our blessing that we got from our Bishop about a month ago he blessed each of us to be open to starting our family in alternative ways. When we left Brandon looked at me and said, "I think we should start the adoption process." I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to give up, but I realize now that it isn't giving up. It isn't taking second best. I am realizing more and more that eternally families do not come from the blood that is in you, they come from the love that we have and the way that we show that love.I know that my Heavenly Father knows who we are and that He is aware of our situation. That He knows the pain that we feel in our hearts and that He sent His Son to descend below all so that we might not be alone in this struggle. We know that He has a better plan for us and that we now have the opportunity to see His works in our life through the adoption process. We have many new experiences coming our way and many more opportunities to see the hand of a loving Father in Heaven in our lives. I am so glad that I have Brandon as my husband to be able to stand beside me in this trial. That he is a man of such great faith and that he is so understanding and kind. He is my best friend.