My voice - at rock bottom.

It is probably not a surprise to anyone that knows me really well that I am going through a little bit of an identity crisis. Don’t worry, this isn’t the kind where you spend all your savings, get a divorce, and buy a really hot car – this is the kind where your spouse (me) just seems crazy…..and a little out of it….and a little hostile at times…..

So to try and get myself out of this slump I have been reading this book called Dare, Dream, Do and in the book there is a chapter about using your voice and that we all think that people don’t care about what we have to say, but that what we have to say is important. I don’t know if I truly believe that….but I am going to put the principle into practice as I start my journey to find my own personal meaning in my life. Finding my own personal happiness with what I have and where I am.

I started just listing out why I think I am having this identity crisis at this point in my life, and I came up with the 5 steps to ensure an Identity Crisis. Partly to be funny….but mostly for my own release. To use my own voice, to identify with own struggles right now.

HOW TO HAVE AN IDENTITY CRISIS:

Step 1: Adopt (or have) a baby

I seriously underestimated how much having a baby enter your life changes things. And when I say “underestimated” I mean like completely, not even in my thought process, missed it. If you don’t already know – it really does! I promise, that everyone that tells you that it will, is telling you the truth and they probably follow it with “but you will love it, it will be amazing” – which is also true, but doesn’t change the fact that your life will never, ever, be the same. I used to be super prompt and was the “if your not ten minutes early, your late” kind of girl – now I am lucky to get out of the house by the time the event (only church as this point) starts – it just happens, and I can’t really even explain why (but it is one of my new years resolutions to work on, so there is hope!).  To be honest, that is probably the least of the worries of how it changes you. It changes the deepest parts of you, even the parts that you didn’t know were there. I LOVE TURNER....don't get me wrong. I LOVE being his mom....but it just changes everything! 

Step 2: Quit your full time, amazing pay and benefits career, that you LOVE and that you felt super appreciated at – to stay at home full time.

To say I miss my career and everything that went with it (including the crazy stress) would be the understatement of the century. I dream about it, and think about it, and still strategize in my mind the things that they could be doing to further their success. I would have loved to work from home, but in my career field it just wouldn’t work. I didn’t realize how much my identity was based on my career and leaving all of it, with diaper changing and bottling making taking it’s place, has left me with a feeling of loss. Don’t get it twisted, I still adore and love my little boy and feel so blessed to have him in my life, and he fulfills me in ways work never could, and I do feel blessed to be able to stay at home and experience all of his precious moments, but there is still a feeling a loss that is hard to describe.  I went from “Business Operations Director” where I had a schedule and lunch meetings, dinner appointments, required travel for conferences, meeting new people and tackling big jobs, doing hard things, and making big decisions – to trying to figure out things to add into my schedule to make my day feel full and meaningful. I know that “busy” doesn’t equal success or mean that my day was “meaningful” but it does help with my mental health. I’m the type of person that if I have too much time I procrastinate everything but if I am busy – I am a rock star and can get amazing things accomplished. I don’t like to craft, or sew – so I can’t fill my day with those things like many stay at home mom’s do. (Don’t fret, I am trying to find some hobbies).  So I am trying to figure out who Megan is – the one who is a full time stay at home mom and makes no money and provides no benefits.

Step 3: Move to the middle of No Where, Washington (Everyone from WA who reads this blog please don’t be offended)

I bet you didn’t know the “No Where” was a place – well it is, it’s called Royal City, Washington, and we moved here for my husband to have some much needed experiences with his father before he passed away. Oh and for him to completely change careers and become a farmer (let’s not leave out that little detail). I had a sunny, pleasant life in Southern California. Yes things are expensive, and yes traffic is crazy and commuting is a given – but it’s gorgeous 99% of the year. The first 5 months of Turner’s life – we went on a walk almost every single day because it was so nice outside. Even on the hot days where it was 95+ degrees outside we walked along the shaded tree path and it was perfect. The beach was 45 minutes from our house and I could leave after traffic and get in the car pool lane now that I have Turner and it made it even less. I LOVED it! We knew money would be tight but I was okay with that….I lived in a place where you could do a whole lot for free if you just did your research. So you get it, it was awesome! My husband felt prompted that we needed to move to WA so that he could help his families’ farm and so that he could spend some precious time with his Dad before he passed away (I have a very loving, dutiful, husband!). So he made his decision and the next day put in his two weeks notice – the answer to my prayer was that I needed to follow my husband – so I did, and here we are. When I say middle of no where- I am serious. There is not a stop light in our town. It consists of a couple of taco shops, a liquor store (that doubles as a video store, a pie shop, and I just found out – a nail salon), the grocery store, and a bank. There are schools so I guess for those that live so far out in the middle of no where that they HAVE to home school – this probably sounds like a booming metropolis, but it isn’t, I promise. The people here are exceptional and the church we go to provides a lot of much needed social time – but you are still missing out on a lot.  To drive to the closest Costco you are looking at an hour and 15 minutes. The closest town with a Wal-Mart, which I hate going to, is 40 min away. This is a drastic change from where I was before – I had the largest outlet mall west of the Mississippi, literally 5 minutes from my front door. I had two Costco’s within a 10-minute drive. I probably had about 30 theatres (okay that’s a little excessive, maybe 20) – so you can see how this is a drastic change from what I have previously come to know and love. Oh how I miss convenience! I won’t even get started about the cold weather – and this is supposed to be a “mild” winter….yikes!

Step 4: Have your husband make a major career change where you make a less than half of what you were making and doesn’t provide benefits (like the healthcare kind).

Farming doesn’t provide much in the way of pay and benefits so you have to look at the positive sides, which is that Brandon can come home for lunch and during the winter it’s a “slower” time so you can see him a little more often– but during the summer it is non-stop. So when it’s nice weather and you want to spend time with your husband, hiking, camping, and bbqing with your friends – your husband may or may not be able to make it depending on what’s going on, on the farm. A friend of mine said, “Megan, I just started planning my life without him (her husband) and if he could be there then great, and if he couldn’t then, oh well” – I was appalled. Yes I know that the corporate world that we came from wasn’t all roses and daisies but I could plan life, with Brandon in it. And I love that. I didn’t get married and have a family – to do it alone and be by myself most of the time. Camping and hiking and doing the fun things that we both love to do is much more enjoyable when we are both there to enjoy it and with Turner now – he needs that quality time with his Dad (plus who would light the campfire and keep me warm at night in the sleeping bag?). I love Brandon – and I want to spend every moment I can with him – so I miss having weekends and down time with him, which we could do when we were “corporate.” This change has been one of the hardest for me to wrap my head around. I have yet to determine if the benefits out-weight the cost, but I am leaning towards “no.”

Step 5: Be prone to depression

To just put it all out there – I have had struggles with depression since I was a teen. So throw that in with all of the above steps – it is like putting the icing on the cake. Add to that the death of my sister in October of this year and the death of my father-in-law in December.

There you have it 5 steps that lead to a full-fledged – who am I what am I doing – identity crisis. The one thing that I know for sure is that I will get through it and I will figure it all out with time.  I also know that this is a time where I will have to dig deep and really try to see the positive opportunities that this brings. It has been humbling to say the least. Now I am hoping that since I am at what I would call “rock bottom” I will be able to build back up and be a stronger, better, more compassionate, and loving version of myself. I also know that this life is about figuring it out. So although I am struggling now – I know that this is an essential part of my journey where I am learning a lot about my relationships and myself. I have been shown my weaknesses in so many ways – and hopefully I will be able to make them my strengths.

So I am hoping to blog about this journey and be vulnerable and put myself out there. It might be ugly, and not fun to read, but I think there might be some beautiful vistas as I work through it and climb out of my hole.  So there it is! My voice! With it's ugly warts and all!