My sister was a dreamer. She was a FANTASTIC dreamer.

So here I am at 3:56 in the morning, with my mind racing, and the only thing that I can think to help it stop, is to write.

I think about my sister a lot. Sam, she was a fantastic dreamer. She had this dream where she was going to move to Montana, in the wide open, and buy a ranch. At this ranch she wanted to teach her boys how to work, but she also wanted to bring as many boys in foster care as she could, who were older and overlooked, and love them. To help them become successful adults, and to feel loved, despite their past.  One of her latest dreams she told me about was moving to Alaska, to live in a dry cabin – so that her boys would learn what it means to live without modern conveniences and to bring them closer as a family through hard work and play. Her poor boys were going to have it rough haha, but it was all because she wanted to teach them and she wanted them to have amazing experiences that most people never would. These are not my dreams – and never, ever sounded like something I would enjoy for more than a couple days- but I loved her for being a dreamer.  She had dreams for all aspects of her life – but mostly about her family.

She was also the leading actress in her life.  She had a way of telling you about her accomplishments without bragging – because she was proud of herself – and she was happy to be setting an example for her boys. She wanted to teach them to be in control of their lives, to not live on the sidelines, waiting for life to happen to them. If she wanted to do something she was going to achieve it.

I don’t write this so that everyone would see how amazing she was (still is), but because I know that if I could, I would be calling her to ask her advice – so pondering on her life and what she did and believed is my way of calling her now that she has passed on. She was amazing – not perfect – but amazing.

She died too young. Her life was too short. She had so much more to do. It has made me realize that life does have a timer – and that time is not infinite – that eventually time will run out for each of us. Whether we are young like my sister or old like my grandma who is in her 90’s and probably has a few good years left in her yet.

My sister didn’t get to accomplish all her dreams, but she was working towards them. She didn’t let fear stop her from dreaming.

When I worked I had big dreams – I was going to become a City Manager one day and I was going to get my Masters in Business from a great school and after becoming a City Manager and running a huge city, I was going to transition into business and running a corporation or sit on some board, somewhere, doing something.

But now, when I think about it, and honest with myself, I am scared to dream. I don’t know if I want to work in government anymore, I don’t know if I want to get my MBA or if there would be a point to it, I feel like I am starting over. Square one. Develop dreams- but I have too much fear - and what, as a mom, in my new role, should I be dreaming?  What is the line where you go from dreaming and achieving goals – to being selfish and putting your own desires in the way of your family? What is that balance? Is it fair for me to go get an MBA and ask Brandon to work off my student loans while I stay home and raise kids? I do know that staying home while my children are young is super important to me. I don’t want to give that up – as hard as it is for me at times. I know with all my heart, that that is what I am supposed to be doing right now. That doing this will make me a better person, the person that God is helping me to be.

One thing I know for sure – it’s important to dream. I have the desire to dream. To make plans and set goals and achieve them. I want Turner to know that he can do anything if he sets his mind to it (I know, so cliché) but how can I teach him that – if I am sitting on the sidelines? If I am the supporting actress, the cheerleader for others, but never for myself?

So I started making mental lists of things I maybe want to do. I am going to date my different dreams for a little bit, to see if they are really a good fit. To see if it is something I actually want to do – and not just doing it because I have felt like that is what is expected of me, or is what others think I should be doing.

What are your dreams? (I ask out of a place of non-judgment and love, and I really do want to know) What makes you feel alive?