I wish that I could say that over the last three weeks or so I have had some miraculous experience that has completely healed my broken heart and that I am ready to go up to bat again for a chance to be a mom, that third time would be a charm for us - But I can't.
To be honest I think the last three weeks have been more trying and painful. Mainly because I let doubt (which comes from Satan) come between me and my relationship with the Savior. I started to doubt whether or not the Savior even cared what I was going through and about the righteous desires of my heart. I doubted in the power of prayer and fasting, because we had done both and yet still had two failed adoptions. I started to think that there was no point and that we were all puppets in a ridiculously sucky play with no editing rights to the script. If you know me, you know how I am a type A personality who likes to be in control - not necessarily of others- but at least of my own destiny and choices. I felt like there was no point in prayer because I did pray. I prayed daily, hourly, minute by minute. Yet I still ended up with nothing. If Heavenly Father is writing the script to my life and is in control - then why would He not want me to experience the joys of motherhood? I even asked my best friend (who has kids) "Would you withhold blessings from your children. Would a loving parent really do that?"
What all this summed up to was a super selfish thinking Megan. It boils down to faith. Brandon taught a lesson on Sunday from a talk that Eldar Bednar gave and in it he (Elder Bednar) tell's a story of a dying man who was diagnosed with cancer just months after being married. He asked this young man "Do you have the faith not to be healed?" Basically saying - do you have the faith that if Heavenly Father doesn't heal you, even after all of your prayers, and your families prayers, and all the fasting and your name being added to the temple names- to still know and believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ? I want to have that faith. I know that Heavenly Father is just that, our Father and that He wants to bless us but we have to not only have faith in Him but faith in His timing (which is REALLY hard to do).
I read a quote recently that says "Only God can turn and mess into a message, a test into a testimony, and a trial into a triumph." It is SO true. Thank goodness that we do have a Heavenly Father directing our lives and helping us along our mortal sojourn. I am not grateful for this trial but I am grateful for the blessing of a stronger testimony that grows from it.
Meg,
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing! I love how you are so spiritual tuned during your trials. Perhaps you don't feel like it but you are!! I'm not going to lie. I do not understand what you are going though. Yes, I did have 3 miscarriages, but they are nothing compared with your trial. Especially because, even though I was sad about each of them, I knew right away with a surety that it was the right thing for everything and everybody at the time. Because I can't understand exactly what you are going through I hope you don't mind that I share with you a few thoughts that I have about the situation.
1. Have you thought that maybe it is not the time yet because you have to do a certain thing/s before? I had to live for 9 months with my parents in law. I love them but it was at times difficult living together. At first I thought: “I’ll endure until we have our own place” Later I learned that being there is what I needed. I learned and grew so much during those 9 months.
2. This talk: http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/10/where-is-the-pavilion?lang=eng
3. This talk: https://www.lds.org/liahona/2012/04/the-atonement-and-the-journey-of-mortality?lang=eng
4. This talk: http://www.lds.org/broadcasts/article/general-relief-society-meeting/2012/09/is-faith-in-the-atonement-of-jesus-christ-written-in-our-hearts?lang=eng
5. “There are some years in our lives that we would not want to live again. But even these years will pass away, and the lessons learned will be a future blessing”. Sister Hinckley.
6. Have you ever though what your personal life mission is? Yes, we have given special talents as women to be mothers, etc. But we also all as a person have promised Heavenly Father certain things we would do here on earth. There are certain things that nobody else can do as well as you here on earth. I recommend reading the book “Achieving your life mission” by Randal A. Wright. Really, read it!
Lots of love and strength,
Analia.
P/S: Are you still thinking about coming to Europe?
ReplyDeleteWith All my extra years over you, I wish I felt my faith was as strong as yours, I feel like I have a long way to go, but you are my shining example and I am so great full for Gods blessing in that direction, It's hard to be thankful for the trials I know I'm still not there for some of them, but like you and your example I'm going to keep trying until I can say thank you for them all. You are one of my greatest blessings.
ReplyDeleteLove you both
Mom T