The End of the Chapter

I said a prayer before writing this post and I keep repeating it in my mind as I type. I haven't been able to write a post and I don't know if this is the right time, or if there is a right time, but I felt a strong prompting on the way home from work - so I am trying to be diligent and listen. Maybe God has a plan, and maybe this is part of it.

We haven't updated in a while because I was too excited and I thought I would spoil everything if we told anyone. I thought that by somehow putting it out there for the world, that I would jinx it, and all my dreams would be shattered. (Stupid, I know, but oh well). Brandon and I were chosen a second time for adoption. We announced we were going to do embryo adoption....got pretty far along in the process....and then we felt like it wasn't right and that we needed to stop. We were receiving pretty strong promptings. I was frustrated. Not understanding Heavenly Father's plan. I wanted to move forward, but in my heart, deep deep in my heart, I knew we weren't supposed to. When we both acknowledged that, we stopped right away. About a month after that I got a random email from an acquaintance from our time at BYU-Idaho. Her sister-in-law was pregnant and she had felt prompted to email and tell us about her to see if we were interested in talking to her. Right away I was excited and it felt good to be excited again. It felt really good. We were hesitant, super hesitant, but excited. We decided only to tell close friends and family, just in case it fell through. That was November.

We started communicating with the birth mother and things were going good. We flew to Idaho to meet with her and we ended up meeting most of her family (the timing was perfect...they happened to be in town visiting her and her siblings). Again, we felt like "there is no coincidences!" This was all meant to be! The birth mother is my height (maybe a little taller) with dark features (much like Brandon) and fair skin. She was having a little girl. It couldn't have been more perfect. We felt like everything that we went through with losing Olivia....was for this baby. This was THE baby that was supposed to come to our home....and we had to go through everything so that she could be ours. She was due on Feb 28th.

In January, she tearfully called to tell us that we were the family that she chose to adopt her baby. I was ecstatic. It was so hard to focus on work. I would spend hours looking for baby names and nursery themes, and doing everything that I would imagine someone who is pregnant does. I would day dream about what my life was going to be like finally going to be able to stay home with a baby and to be a stay at home mom. We shifted all our budgets, we cut expenses, we passed up on getting a new car....all in preparation for us to become parents, and for me to be a stay at home. We were definitely going to have to sacrifice.....but it was going to be so worth it. Foolishly ...I let myself buy things. The cutest little girl clothes that you could ever imagine. The clerks at Janie and Jack knew my first name....

February hit and we were expecting the baby any day. We had ultrasound pictures and had been communicating with the birth mom on a pretty regular basis. There were two possible birth fathers -  both signed off on the adoption. One even relinquished right there in the office before the baby was born. It was all meant to be. Our last adoption was so hard....this was all falling into place. It was so right. Our birth mother texted us about a week into February and said that she was having some doubts but that she would just think about this baby having a mother and a father and try to focus on the positive and then she would feel better about it again. I thought that was super normal. I would have the same thoughts and feelings too, I am sure, if I was in her position. Our birth mother also knew our whole history with adoption and she assured us that she wouldn't put us through that again. (Thank goodness right?!) All this time, Brandon and I are receiving promptings that "everything will work out." We were praying and praying and praying and knowing that "Heavenly Fathers hand is in this."

We spent a weekend at my sisters. She took me out for a pedicure while Brandon went to play air-soft with my brother in law and our nephew. We talked about baby names and my sister showed us the blanket she was knitting for the baby. We tried to act like we had prepared ourselves just in case it fell through, knowing that it could happen, but in hind-sight, we didn't really believe what we were saying. We wanted to project strength but when the time came, the strength was not there.  That sunday something didn't feel right. Something was off. Brandon had the next Monday off for president's day. We were making final preparations in the nursery. We decided to go do some shopping for a couple of items - we went to Khols. We are walking in the door when our social worker calls and says "Megan, do you have a minute, I have bad news." One of the worst calls of my life. The first being when we were told we had to give Olivia back.  It's like everything slowed down and sped up all at the same time. I felt sick. I took the call right there in the men's section of Khols. I lost it. I cried into Brandon's chest for a long time. We went home.

I texted all of our friends to let them know and then called my sister to let her know so that she could tell our family. I didn't want to repeat it over and over (which is what you do when you have 8 siblings...on each side.) If I said that we were heart broken, it wouldn't be enough. A part of me died inside that day. My chest felt tight, like I couldn't get enough air. I felt like I couldn't breathe for the first week. I couldn't process it all. I couldn't process the promptings, the feelings, the confirmations, the whole thing. How did this not work? What did I do wrong? My internal dialogue was non-stop and I was exhausted. I took two days off. Brandon went right back to work. He's stronger than me.

The first thing I did was I joined a hardcore bootcamp/cross-fit gym (which I totally love and am addicted to right now, it's great therapy!). I needed to work off my anger. My anger at this birth mother, at myself, at the whole situation, and sadly even at Heavenly Father. I felt deceived by Him. My faith and my beliefs were shaken in ways that I thought was unshakable. I started doubting things that I, before this experience, never could imagine doubting. I didn't feel strong. I didn't feel like I could get through this...

I was standing at the top of the stairs in our house and I just said "Heavenly Father I need to know that you know me and that you know what I am going through right now."  So we went to church and it was Stake Conference. As I was getting ready I was thinking "I am not supposed to be going to this. I am supposed to have a newborn and I am supposed to be at home, joyfully taking on the new task of being a mom." I had that thought for about three weeks with everything I had to do: work, my calling, other organizations that I work with, even going out with our friends to dinner. I would just think "I'm not supposed to be here." So we get to Stake Conference and the messages of two of the speakers just hit me in a way that I couldn't deny. But I was still SO angry. So sad. So disappointed. Later the following week I get a call from the  missionaries saying that they want to stop by. I tried to think of every excuse not to have them over. I figured they were just coming over because the Bishop wanted them to share a message with us on having faith and "blah blah blah" (great attitude right?!).  So I thought of an excuse and I was calling them back and as soon as they pick up the phone, everything leaves my mind and I can't say no. They come over on Sunday and they say "We just felt prompted to come and leave a blessing with you." No lesson, just a blessing. They ask "What do you feel like you would want a blessing for." At this point of our discussion with them I am fighting back tears. Heavenly Father sent these two missionaries to soften a rock solid heart. They left us with a blessing of peace and that "Heavenly Father knows what we are going through and that He loves us."

It hasn't solved everything. I still struggle. I still don't know why it happend. Why were were asked to carry that burden. To handle this trial. But I have come to understand that I don't have to. That I don't have to know why things happen. That although this trial is hard, that I don't have to do it alone. I have a husband who is my rock. Who when I have a sandy foundation....he helps build support walls and keep the waves at bay. That I have a Heavenly Father who knows and has felt every ounce of sadness that fills me.

We have decided that this is the end of the "children" chapter for us. We need some time to just be. To be a couple and not worried about how or when or who is going to come into our life to bring children.  We want to find joy in the journey. Many may say that this is walking away from opportunity and joy and love and all "the good" that life has to offer. We think of it as accepting, and moving on, to find all "that good" in our marriage and in our life, the life that I have spent seven years wishing away with the thought of having children. Our life may or may not include children one day...but that day is not today and I don't want to dream away today by worrying about tomorrow or the next year or the next five years.

Our only plans right now include lots of traveling. Trying new restaurants. Trying new things.  Enjoying our new truck "Duke" and being happy. We might move. We might not. We might chase all the crazy dreams that we put off to prepare for children and we plan on using every opportunity we can to find joy on our childless journey. A new chapter begins.