Olivia

This is going to be  a long post...just warning in advance.....

On Wednesday, June 6th I got a call from Ms. A (Our birth mother) that said that they were going to induce her on Thursday morning at 8 am.  I said my goodbyes at work (because I wasn't going to be working anymore) and came home to deep clean the house and prepare everything for the coming days.  We packed bags, one for us and one for the baby. We couldn't contain ourselves, we were so excited. We had been waiting for "our baby" for what seemed like forever. We were fully invested in this pregnancy. We had been to doctors appointments, had ultra-sound pictured on our fridge, the nursery was finished. Clothes, bottles, formula, diapers, wipes.....check, check, check. We were ready. 100% ready. We already loved her (Olivia), we loved Ms. A and her family. We felt like they were now our family too.

We showed up at the hospital at 10am and Ms. A was already hooked up and ready to go but the doctor had not been in yet to start the induction. Finally at 2pm the doctor came and Ms. A had already dilated to a 2 on her own and was slowing going into labor. The Dr. said that inducing would just make it go faster. It didn't seem to be working at first and the Dr. didn't come back to check her until 10pm. Ms. A was dilated to a 5. Then the labor really kicked in. By 12 pm she was fully dilated and we were just waiting for the Dr.  I was fortunate enough to be there for everything. I got to hold Ms. A's hand while she suffered through contractions. I got to watch her deliver the most perfect baby girl I have ever seen. She was healthy weighing in at 9 lbs 2 oz with ten fingers, ten toes. My emotions stole me away as I watched the nurses clean Olivia up. As soon as Ms. A was okay she let me bring Brandon in to meet his daughter. As soon as he laid eyes on her his whole countenance changed. He had fallen in love in that moment. For us it seemed as if time had stopped and we finally had our family. We knew right away what her name was going to be. We thought all along we were going to call her Maya,  but she just didn't look like a "Maya" so we decided on the name Olivia Lynn Hebdon. A very feminine, strong name.

We didn't leave the hospital until 3 am and we returned as soon as we could in the morning to check on Ms. A and on Olivia. Both were doing great. We got to feed Olivia, change her diapers, look into her eyes. Everything that normal parents do when they are bonding with their children. We couldn't wait to take her home. We stayed with her in the hospital for the next 48 hours until Sunday morning when we could take her home. The social worker came to the hospital, we signed the discharge papers, everyone said their goodbyes, and we put Olivia in the car seat, snapped her into the car and headed home. Driving away from the hospital was one of the best feelings in the entire world.

We were both exhausted (Olivia's clock is backwards....she likes to be awake at night) but were just so happy to be a family. We were finally feeling what it feels like to be a parent. To love someone so much that there are no words that fit it's description. We now fully understood why people say it is the hardest but best thing you could possibly do. As soon as we got home we took showers and got ready to go to church (The beauty of 1pm church). We were just going to go to sacrament and then leave, but we wanted to show Heavenly Father how thankful we were for our blessing.

As soon as I got out of the shower I saw a message on my phone from our social worker. "Megan can you call me, it's urgent." Not a good sign. So I call her and she says, "It looks like the birth father has changed his mind and wants Olivia back." Another social worker was going to go talk to the birth father Sunday night to see if he could change his mind, maybe this was just nerves. Brandon and I just lost it. Why was he doing this? He can't support her. He has no job, no education, no drivers license, nothing to offer her....why was he doing this to us? The problem came about because in California, a birth father, if put on the birth certificate as the presumed father, has just as many rights or even equal rights as the mother. Meaning that there was absolutely NOTHING we could do to stop this and we just had to pray that talking to the social worker would change his mind. It didn't.

We got a call at 9:15 pm on Sunday night from our social worker. The birth father wanted her returned and LDS Family Services was going to come and get Olivia at 10:30 Monday morning. I have never cried so hard in my life. Brandon and I both fell to our knees in tears trying to figure out what we could do to keep Olivia. She was ours and we didn't want to give her back. We called two attorneys. Both confirmed that since the birth father was on the birth certificate, there was nothing we could do. That was the most horrible feeling of all. We wanted to fight, but we couldn't. Our hands were tied. They were coming to get her whether we wanted them to or not.

We both decided that we were going to stay up as long and as late as we could so that we didn't miss another moment with our sweet daughter. We took shifts. Brandon would sleep for an hour or so and then get up with her and then we would rotate. We wanted to soak it all in. We wanted to make sure that she knew that we loved her. That we wanted her. That she was ours. We wanted to give her every last ounce of love that we possibly could. 10:30 came really soon. We tried to pack as much baby stuff as we could to send with her. We wanted to make sure she had everything that she needed. That she would be well cared for. As our social worker loaded everything into her car Brandon and I tried to love Olivia just a little bit longer. To give her kisses and to love her in a way that neither of us knew was even possible. We buckled her into her car seat. Said our final goodbyes. Brandon secured her into the social workers car and we watched her drive away. That was the single hardest moment of my life.

It might sound dumb or silly to others who think "you only had her for a couple of days" or "the adoption wasn't finalized so she wasn't really yours." Both of those are true statements. But neither matter. She was ours. In ways that I can't explain we knew that she was supposed to be a part of our family.  What is sad is that Olivia had to go back to a mom who wasn't prepared to be a mom and who had purposely not bonded with her to make it easier to place her for adoption. Ms. A told us that she was so sorry that this was happening and that if there was a way she could give her back to us that she would. The birth father was doing horrible things....calling the police and saying that Olivia was kidnapped, calling CPS saying that she thought he was being abused.....just horrible things.....and this is what Olivia was going back to. It breaks our heart to think about that. To think about what her life will be like now compared to having a mother and a father and being raised in the gospel. We spent all of Monday and a large portion of Tuesday trying to get answers and waiting to see if there were going to be any changes. Talking to Ms. A and her family and then to lawyers and then even to CPS. There was no answer. There is no way she is coming back to us.

We do pray for Ms. A and for Olivia. We pray that their life will not bring the same challenges that it has brought the rest of Ms. A's family. That Olivia will bring them all together as a family and give them strength to overcome their addictions and problems. We pray that Ms. A will be able to provide for her and make it so that all of her needs are always met. That she will give her a great education and that Olivia will break the cycles in her family.


Brandon and I decided to get out of town and drive up the coast of California. Being in a car together, talking, crying, crying some more, convincing ourselves that we were going to be okay, only to break down in tears seconds or minutes later. We gave each other freedom to act/react however we felt at the time. No judgements. No criticism. If you wanted to cry you were allowed. If you wanted to laugh...that was okay too. This has been the most unifying thing that has ever happened to us. Brandon is the best man I know. He has lifted me up and is my best friend. No one could ever replace him.

It has brought us closer to our Heavenly Father. Brandon was talking to a friend of ours on the phone and said "This is one of those times in your life where there is only one set of footprints in the sand." It's true. We are grateful for the gospel. For the knowledge that all things are for our good. That through the atonement Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ can heal our hearts and can bring us through any tough thing that we could ever go through. It also has taught us even more about the plan of salvation. That all men have agency to choose and that Heavenly Father cannot make people choose wisely. He can't take away the agency of others just because we want him to. He can't take away the birth father's agency just because it would mean that we would get Olivia back.

Now we just have to have faith that he has children waiting to come to our home. We have to have faith that our hearts will heal and that we can be happy again. That we will be happy again. We are grateful for the time that we had with Olivia. Heavenly Father blessed us with that time and showed us how amazingly powerful the love of a parent can be. It has made me love my parents more and even my In-laws more. It has made me have a better understanding of the eternal love that our Heavenly Father has for us because we were able to feel that love each time we held Olivia. I cannot say that I am  grateful for this trial because I would take Olivia back and never go through this if we could, but I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who does not leave us comfortless. Who never left our side.

We love you Olivia and you will always be in our hearts. We pray for you each day and we know that you will bless this world with your sweet spirit.