So last night was day 1 of our FSA (Families Supporting Adoption) Conference. I wish I could say that we walked away last night saying "this is SO RIGHT and we are doing the right thing" but when we left we both had feelings of uncertainty. It started with our social worker giving a presentation about the different phases of life from when they are born to when they are adults and how each phase is where they are looking for different confirmations about trusting and love and acceptance and etc. and that with adopted children you have to be more aware and cautious about what you say and how much you hold them and all of these other things that I have never even considered. I just wanted to cry. In fact while I was sitting there I was tearing up because I just kept feeling like "how in the world am I going to be able do this?"
I always kind of joked around that my kids would have to have a therapist when they were older but now I am really freaked out that my kids will HAVE to have a therapist!
I never really thought about how I was going to talk to my children about where they came from, why their birth mother "gave" them away, if they were if ever in my belly, why they don't look like us, what their biological mother and father looked like and acted like. Then comes all the questions of who they really are and dealing with their "loss". It's all so overwhelming.
I also started to think about the whole grieving process. When we found out that we couldn't have children, a ZERO percent chance of us ever conceiving on our own... I was devastated. At the same time though I was just kind of like, "Oh well, we can't do anything about it so let's just move on." On one hand that is good to be able to just "move on" but on the other hand there is still a pain that is never going to go away. A pain of every time I hear about someone finding out their pregnant, wondering "why not me?" I didn't realize until last night that it's something that I am going to have to talk to my kids about and to everyone that ever asks us about adoption, or why we adopted, and have to deal with that grief over and over again. It's going to be a lifelong trial. I just don't know if I am ready to face it head on.
The other thing that I fear, and they talked a little bit about this last night, is that I wont bond with my baby. That the baby will be given to us and it wont feel like "mine." What do you do if that happens? What do you do if you don't ever have that confirmation?
A lot to think about.
Don't let these things cloud your mind. I was going through the same feelings as Robert and I looked into adoption, but if you got a confirmation that it is right don't let Satan creep in! My situation is/was different and I am not trying to tell you that I know what you are going through. One thing I have learned recently is once you get a confirmation, the trail a lot of the time is believing in the answer you got the first time. There are SO many successful adoptions and families. In our generation I think adoption is more common and popular the trails our generation and young had with feeling So different I think will change a little. They will still have special needs, but I know you and Brandon can do it! You already have the best way to parent mastered! PRAYER!!! Knowing you and reading your blog you have enough faith and know how to tackle your trails. Again, PRAYER! We love and miss you! Don't let Satan cloud your thoughts. It is okay to have doubts that is something EVERY parents has, it is just in a different way. I worried about bonding with Kenya and I still worried about #2. We love and pray for you!
ReplyDeleteMy mission rommie has a blog ALL about adoption it's therhouse.com. She's amazing and has a HUGE following of people in your same situation. There are also people who have been through it and their kids are grown. I don't know if that's helpful, but I feel for ya!
ReplyDeleteI wish I had some helpful, insightful comment to leave. But I don't. I can't empathize with what where you and Brandon are. But I do know you are two incredible people who have made this choice in the proper way. You have the Lord on your side. Turn to Him with every doubt, question and fear. He won't erase them, but He will help you find a way to work through them.
ReplyDeleteI know you don't know me, but I am from Royal City and I know your mother in law! I just wanted to drop you a line to tell you that it will be worth it. Also, to tell you about the r house. But it seems that a previous commenter has already recommeneded it. This blog is so inspiring. And she offers so many insight. Go back into her archives and read what she has to say. good stuff.
ReplyDeleteGood luck! I have learned that the Lord understands our concerns. Also,when he gives confirmation, all you have to do is remember that feeling when you had it, and it will come back. Trust in him and yourself that you can interpret it. love your new blog!
ok, Greg's turn on this now. Read the poem Just the Same in the April Ensign.
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