Being Home

I must start of with an apology to every mother who I have ever judged or looked down upon for being so exhausted that they don't want to or can't do more after having a baby or raising kids all day, 24/7. I totally get it now. Sorry!

I don't say that to mean that I do not enjoy my new calling as a wife/mother because I do! I love it! I can't say I love every minute of it (because who really likes getting up 3+ times a night) but I am sure grateful for every minute of it! What has been hard is trying to understand why he is crying and trusting myself to know that I am right.

A few months ago a very sweet lady donated breast milk that she received from a milk bank to us. We thought for sure we would get home and Turner would do great eating the breast milk and life would be bliss and we would have a baby who never cried unless he had a dirty diaper or was hungry. I had these ideas of what motherhood was going to be like and what kind of baby Turner would be. He is fabulous and well, my idea of motherhood has changed significantly (and i know that it will change even more as he gets older). We discovered this week that the breast milk just doesn't sit well with him in his system. For one, he has a diaper rash from hades that seems to be worse on the breast milk because his stools are more loose, and secondly, he just has the worst gas. Poor baby! So I had been thinking that I needed to switch him to a formula more suited for babies with sensitive tummies (He did have his intestines operated on!). But I didn't trust myself and waited for my pediatrician to confirm my thoughts. Luckily she has given me sample formulas to try and it seems to be working wonderfully. He is eating more, crying less, and sleeping more! It's a great improvement from the previous 2 days when he wasn't feeling great. Those two days being extra hard because I came down with a cold (the same one that Brandon had last week) AND mother nature has made her monthly debut all at the same time. So you mix those things with very little sleep - and you have a very discouraged new mom. A discouraged mom who still loves being a mom, discouraged or not.

I wondered before all of this happened if I just wasn't supposed to be a mom. If the Lord was trying to tell me that I simply was just not cut out for that job OR that I had a different calling in this life than other women. Maybe I wasn't supposed to be a Mom to my own children and maybe I was supposed to focus on bettering others lives around me - but that all proved to be wrong.  I now know that I am meant to be a mom -a terrific mom who probably does 90% of things wrong but that who loves her children and husband with all her heart and soul.

Turner is on a great schedule where he eats every three hours, stays awake for about an hour and sleeps for the other hour before waking up to do it all over again. At night he sleeps for the 2.5- 3 hours in between feedings (I am praying with all my heart, that that lasts!). He pees and poops on everything, but that is mostly my fault for letting his sprayer go unattended for too long while I try and get the diapers, wipes, butt paste, and everything else together. The poop thing is still baffling me, but I'll get there.

I get nervous being around other people because I still am not 100% confident in my abilities and feel a little embarrassed when he cries in front of other people. I still am working on getting out and going to the store with him - so far made it to Target and the grocery store. Both in and out as fast as humanly possible. I'll get better though (I hope and pray for my mental health!).

I just want to soak up every moment of this time. I know it passes quickly, and I don't want it to. My heart is full of love for Heavenly Father for keeping His promise to bless us - I don't know why I ever doubted it. We just had to wait for the perfect baby to come along - and he did!