We have a swimmer!!

Turner loves swimming! We first had him in a life jacket so that he would stay up but then we found these things called puddle jumpers which is essentially water wings connected to a small rectangle that goes across his chest. Here is a picture of one.

Turner loves wearing it! This morning he brought Brandon his swim diaper, a pair of swim trunks, and his puddle jumper. When we asked him if he wanted to go swimming he said "yeah!" which was so so cute! I had to snap a picture because he was just so happy to be playing in it knowing that if he wore that he was going to go out to the pool or to Hurricane Harbor. 

Hurricane Harbor is a water park that is connected to Magic Mountain Six Flags Theme Park. We bought season passes this year and probably will get them until our kids move out of the house because we have so much fun there! There are little areas for little kids and huge water slides for bigger kids. Even Brandon and I have a blast there. Turner loves swimming in the lazy river and he loves going down some of the kids slides (as long as you are at the bottom to catch him). We love that he loves water so much because we do too! 

Becoming a Mother Saved My Soul

Becoming a mother has truly saved my soul.

After our first two adoptions failed (miserably and terribly) I committed myself to my career. I honestly believed (at the time) that Heavenly Father must think I am going to be a terrible mother because I wasn't being blessed with the ability to have children or to even adopt them. I was devastated and the only way I knew how to cope was to not plan on having a family and trying to just find joy and hope in the future with Brandon. Just Brandon and I.

I made grand plans. We were going to travel the world. Cruise the world. Backpack the world. Eat our way through amazing landscapes . Swim in tropical oceans. Sail on the open seas. All - while having the greatest success in our careers. I had lots and lots of dreams. I tried to replace my dream of being a mother with dreams of travel and career success.

All while this was happening I was climbing the "corporate ladder" in my industry. I was feeling more empowered and more secure and I felt like my career was becoming more established and it was happening quickly. That was another reason I felt like maybe Heavenly Father just wanted me to be a career woman. Maybe I would make big changes in the world through bettering communities one at a time. It started to define me. I started to get a little arrogant at my new position (which I can admit now, but never thought I was then) and I realize now that I had started to care more about money and worldly success than I did about most other things.  Promotions became really important and who I had connected with and what success I had achieved each day started to mean more to me than having a family. My personality type is driven towards this type of success - it made me feel like I had a purpose. Because the purpose I was truly wanting and seeking, being a mother, wasn't going to happen for me - or so I thought.

I started to wonder if maybe I had been brainwashed that being a mother was my "true calling." What if that was a bunch of Mormon mumbo jumbo? What if I really didn't have the personality to be a mother and Heavenly Father was just saving me from defeat and the poor children that would come into our home from having a horrible mother.

After much soul searching and after much prayer and fasting and attending the Temple. Brandon and and I decided we would try ONE MORE TIME. That was going to be the last and final time and if it didn't work out - then a baby would have to show up on our doorstep because we weren't going to try anything else for any longer.

When we were contacted by our third birth mother we were so apprehensive and had built up so many walls we didn't let ourselves get excited. We tried to act like it was nothing. No big deal. We didn't tell many people and we didn't make plans for bringing a baby home. We just decided to pray and wait and see what happened.

Thank goodness for that miracle.  I would like to think that maybe I would have changed at some point in my career and that the success wouldn't get to my head. That I would have been able to stay humble and not let the love of money and all that it affords drive my life - but there is no way of knowing for sure. What I know now though - is that none of that matters. What matters is my Son and amazing Husband and the amazing life that we create that has nothing to do with money and has everything to do with memories and love. I truly think Turner, and being his mother, saved my soul in more ways than one. I know that Heavenly Father put him in our life at the right time and in the right circumstance by the right person. We love and adore him. I feel honored to be his mother.

There are days where I think going back to work sounds fabulous. But when I really sit back and think about why I want to - it's more about having the extra income that it would provide for us to do more fun stuff  and for the worldly praise that my natural (wo)man is drawn to- which I know doesn't even compare to the time, memories, and love that I get to share with my son each and every single day. My true calling is to be Turners (and our future babies) Mom. That I know for sure - with all my heart and soul!

My Real Life Fairy Tale Love Story - Celebrating 9.5 years Today!

Today, I have been married for 9 1/2 years to my best friend. Last night we were laying in bed and I asked Brandon if he remembered what he said to me when we proposed and we laughed and giggled a lot about it. So here it is from my perspective (the accurate perspective).  Hopefully our kids laugh and giggle at this one day too......and hopefully they know that we were and still are and always will be head over heels in love with each other.

How we met: 

It was the first Sunday of the fall semester (beginning of Sept) of 2005 at BYU-Idaho. I had spent the summer at home in North Carolina working as a life guard. I had dated a guy over the summer (Neal) and he kinda proposed and what I mean when I say that is that he was going to a military school. At Military schools you cannot be married and there is no where for married housing or anything like that. So when he proposed he basically said - "I want to Marry you and I want you to wait for me to finish school and blah blah blah". So I don't mean that he proposed like - lets plan a wedding right now and get married.  When I prayed about it I got the answer that I wasn't supposed to marry him. That he wasn't the right one. So I broke it off the next day. I look back now and I am so thankful for that for so many reasons - Brandon being the biggest reason! 

I remember not really wanting to go back to BYU-I because I had a really hard time my first semester with my roommates/the freezing cold Rexburg winter - but having a feeling (aka the Spirit) that it was where I needed to be. That something important was coming. 

I tell you all of that history so that you know why when I went to school that semester I had no plans on dating anyone seriously. I just wanted to have fun (Que "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" theme song). I was living with awesome roommates whom I love (to this day) and I was taking lots of classes that interested me and I was so excited about the semester. I decided that I would just date lots of guys and get to know people and make friends - not get serious! So I did just that. 

At BYU-Idaho they put you into groups called Family Home Evening Groups (FHE) and it essentially is supposed to be your family away from home. They even have leaders of each group who are lovingly referred to as Mom and Dad (not ever in a serious manner) and there are usually two girls apartments to one guys apartment (because there are tons and tons of girls and not very many guys). We soon found out that our apartment was put with a group of guys who couldn't have been more awesome and fun. So here we are first Sunday of the fall semester and we go to class and us girls sit together in Sunday school and no one was really participating (for fear of saying something dumb, I'm sure) and the poor teacher was struggling - So I started to answer questions and apparently (if you ask Brandon) I went on for a long time about the saints being harassed and fleeing to Utah. I hear someone from the back of the room say "What have you been harassed or something lately" - I was so embarrassed, I couldn't even turn around to see who said it and give them a mean look or anything! But my roommates sure did! I went home from church that Sunday feeling like the joke of the ward! 

So that night we decided to go over and meet the guys that were in our  FHE group and like I said, they were great. We sat around laughing and joking and had a great time. I remember looking around and Brandon caught my eye. He was SO ATTRACTIVE! He was wearing jeans with this button up salmon colored shirt that had blue lines on it. He was 6'4 (just perfect height for me) and a TALL GLASS OF WATER - let me tell you! So as we were leaving their apartment I grabbed my roommate and I said "OH MY GOSH did you see that tall guy! He was SO HOT" then she said "Megan, that was the guy who made fun of you a church today!" I quickly responded with "Oh my gosh, he was such a prick - I'm not giving him a second look." And that was that. That was our first meeting. 

More Interaction:

I started dating lots of guys. Guys in the ward. Guys in class. Friends I had made. I just wanted to get to know a lot of people and have a lot of fun. Brandon was dating girls off and on but nothing serious at the time. I would go to FHE every Monday and we would hang out with our FHE brothers quite a bit and sometimes Brandon was there and sometimes he wasn't. I do specifically remember one time we went out to play flag football and Brandon pushed me down (he says he didn't mean to) and he profusely apologized and we laughed about it - but that was it. Brandon had been hanging out with a couple of girls at school that were from his mission and so I thought they were dating and so I didn't really pay him much attention (plus our first interaction didn't help his cause). 

Brandon will tell you that he knew from the first time he saw me in his apartment that he was going to date me and marry me. He said he just knew. He said he used all of our interactions to "watch me" which could be creepy if he wasn't so amazing! 

I remember bumping into him a lot on campus. Just seeing him randomly all the time. I later found out that it wasn't so random. He would take certain routes to and from class because he knew I would be walking that way 90% of the time. 

Brandon also was assigned to be my home teacher. There were two different times that he came over with his roommate Mike to teach me a lesson and he would ask "So are you dating anyone" and I would say "No, not seriously anyway" and he would say "Well when do you want to go out!?" and I would laugh and laugh because I thought he was just  kidding. I honestly didn't think he would ask me out. He was SO HOT! 

So now we are in October and Brandon goes down to General Conference in Salt Lake with some of his friends and I stayed in Rexburg and watched in my apartment. I remember feeling a feeling while watching that Conference that I really needed to stay in tune with the Spirit because something important was going to happen and that if I wasn't in tune - I would miss the opportunity. The following Sunday after Conference us girls head over to our FHE guys apartment again to play games and eat cookies. Brandon's roommate Mike was known for his cookies - so we didn't want to miss it! So we go in and I am the last one through the door and Brandon is sitting on the love seat with no one else sitting next to him and that was the last open chair. 

Brandon will tell you that he was sending out vibes to everyone to not sit there because he wanted me to sit there. 

As we are sitting around talking we decided to play a game called Oprah chair where someone sits in the middle of the room and everyone can ask them any question that they want and you have to answer. It brings out a lot of laughs and we were having fun with it. While we are playing Brandon puts his arm on the back of the couch behind me and then eventually down on my shoulder. My roommate Maren is looking at me like "what is going on?" and I am giving her shoulder shrugs but I was just going with it. A little flirting never hurt anyone, right?! So at this point everyone starts to notice but no one is saying anything until someone says "Okay Brandon, you're up - how would you let a girl know that you like her" and Brandon says "I would put my arm around her like this" (as his arm is around me). I decided at that point I would reach up and hold his hand. I liked where this was going. He answered a couple more questions about how he would show a girl he liked her and I remember feeling these really strong feelings while he was answering them, all about me. 

Brandon's cell phone, started ringing so he went into his room to answer it and then all eyes were on me and everyone, pretty much at the same time said "What IS GOING ON?!" and I said with excitement "I DON'T KNOW!" Brandon came back out and put his arm around me and we spent the rest of the night pretty much like that - laughing and giggling and playing games while holding hands. 

Falling in Love, HARD:

So we decided to hang out on Monday and then again on Tuesday and on Wednesday I was supposed to go on a date with another guy named ?????? (can't remember) but we call him Farmer John because he was the son of a Rexburg potato farmer. Somehow it got brought up that I had a date that night and Brandon's face got super red and he walked out of the room. I knew something was off but I didn't know what because I didn't think we were one on one dating - I mean it had only been two days! So he comes back in the room and we talked more and it came out that he thought we were dating and that he was really surprised to hear that I had a date. So I looked him in the eye and said "Okay, that sounds good to me, I won't go on my date. I'll go out with you instead." So we decided that we would go get a soda and movie that night. We ended up not watching the movie because we sat in his car talking in front of his apartment until curfew. When he dropped me off that night I walked into my apartment shut the door and told my roommates "I am going to Marry him." 

I knelt in fervent prayer that night. I was having such strong feelings for Brandon and I knew that these feelings were different than I had ever felt before. I asked Heavenly Father if I should marry him and the feeling that washed over me was unmistakable. I knew that he was the man that I should marry and that Heavenly Father had put him in my life for that reason. I am so so thankful for that feeling because when things were difficult for us later in our marriage it is that feeling that I remember having and it was a constant reminder that he was who I was supposed to be with no matter what. 

Thursday we spent the day together and Thursday night we watched one of my favorite movies, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. I was watching and Brandon leaned over and whispered "I'm so lucky" into my ear. What I heard was "I LOVE YOU" Don't ask me how you mix those to things up but I looked back at Brandon and said "Awww I Love you too" and he says "I didn't say I love you" and I turned beet red with embarrassment and got up to leave when Brandon quickly pulled me back down on the couch next to him and said "Do you mean it?" and I said "yeah" and he goes - "Good cause I love you too."

The Proposal:

That night I couldn't sleep. I stayed up all night looking at wedding rings and looking at wedding dresses (this is pre pinterest!) The next morning I told my roommate and she looked at me like I was crazy. I mean  she had every right to....it hadn't even been a full week yet! It had technically been four days! I went over to Brandon's apartment that morning because we were going to walk to class together. He came out into the living room dressed and ready for the day and this is how our conversation went:

B:"What are you doing today? You busy?" 

M: "No, just going to class." 

B: "Want to go ring shopping with me?"

M: "YES!" (with the biggest smile there ever was in the history of time)

So we went. We spent the day ring shopping and I picked one out and they said it would be ready in three or so weeks. So that was that. We were going to get married. We spent every waking minute together after that. I was infatuated with Brandon and I would pinch myself wondering if I was dreaming because how was it possible that I was marrying the most handsome man on all of BYUI's campus??? 

The following Friday (not the three weeks that I was kind of expecting) Brandon proposed to me in the middle of the quad with all of our friends and roommates hiding in the bushes taking pictures and watching for me to say YES. The proposal went something like this:

"Megan, I really love you and I want to spend the rest of eternity with you. Will you Marry Me?" 

This is Brandon getting up from being on one knee when he proposed! 

I didn't say Yes. I didn't say anything I don't think. I think I just nodded and felt so excited that I couldn't say anything. 

We were married two months later on December 30, 2005 in the Oakland California Temple. And we live happily ever after! 

Our First Halloween. One week after he officially proposed. 

Our wedding day! 

I love kissing this man every single day! 

Some thoughts on Infertility.

I haven't written on infertility in a while because honestly I thought the days of thinking about it and how it affects me were over. I don't dwell on it and I am not writing this post to bring out any kind of sympathetic feelings people might have for us or to make it seem like it takes up all of my thoughts. It doesn't. But there have been some kind of sharp (I can't think of a better adjective to use) thoughts that I have had that bring me moments of grief.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful because I wake up everyday so grateful that I have the most amazing little boy to wake up to. He is literally the joy in my life and I don't mean to sound unfulfilled. He has brought me joy in ways that I didn't know were possible. But infertility is always going to be there too. I know our putting in our adoption papers and going through the "process" again has brought more of this to light in my mind because with each piece of paper that we have to submit and with each visit from the social worker, or doctors visit, TB test, recommendation letter (4 different ones), an employer's recommendation, parent trainings, and books we are required to read - I am reminded that I cannot have it as "easy" as others who think of getting pregnant and 9 months later they are posting the most adorable hospital pictures that I will never have. Each time I run those costs over in my mind of what it takes to have a home study, a lawyer, a "facilitator" aka marketing team, and then the unknown costs of birth mother expenses it reminds me that I cannot have a family on my own terms in my own way. It's always on someone else's terms and in someone else's way. Thank goodness I honestly and truly believe that it's all in God's hands - because if I didn't have that - I don't know what I would do.

I think there are two big things that I grieve the most over. One of those "sharp" thoughts that I have that come quick and fast but leave painful and slow are about the bond that occurs between a husband and his wife after they bring a baby into the world. It might sound silly and I think husbands might have some witty remark like "there is nothing bonding about watching my wife deliver a nine pound baby out of her down there" - but there is. I have seen the look. The look of amazement and pride and love and overwhelming joy all wrapped into one. The look that says "We made this" - "this is a piece of you and me" - Plus all the amazing pictures where the moms and dads are just glowing in the hospital because they literally just brought a human into the world. They have partnered with God to create another human. It's amazing. It's something I will never have the opportunity to do in this life. I still have fleeting feelings of jealousy that I QUICKLY do my best to replace with love and joy - because we truly love when other people have babies and grow their families - we just wish we could too. The good thing is, is that Turner is so darn cute that I don't think Brandon and I could have made one any cuter - so we got lucky there :)

The other thought just occurred yesterday (and previous times but yesterday stood out in my mind when writing this post) at the beach. I was packing up our things to go home and my friend was watching Turner while I walked back to the truck with our beach stuff. As I was walking back I noticed these two little sisters, who you could tell instantly were sisters and probably close in age, and they were playing together in the sand right next to the walking path. As soon as I looked at them the thought popped into my head  - your kids will never look like each other. Now don't get me wrong, I know that lots of people have lots of kids that don't look alike. I know that Brandon and I could have our own kids and they could look so different - BUT with adoption our kids may not even have the same skin color - and I am okay with that. I truly am. It's just another reminder that I am not in control of our family and how it comes to be.

There are lots of little thoughts like this and it's okay to have them. I am okay saying that I still grieve the fact that we are infertile. It's something you truly cannot understand until you go through it. I know it won't ever go away - but I also know that each little smile and hug and kiss that I get from my little boy makes it not even feel like a trial or burden anymore.

Ventura Beach

I love the area that we live because there are so many mom's doing so many fun things!  As summer has hit and the mom's aren't stuck to school schedules even more fun things are sure to come! I was invited to go to the beach (they actually create a summer long beach schedule with what beach, day and time. It's awesome!) and it was so much fun! We are planning on going 1 to 2 times per week! Yesterday there were about 20 women with their kids from all over our stake. It is fun getting to know more mom's and hopefully we will have even more play dates in the future!

This week we went to Ventura Beach! It's only a short 45 minute drive and there are lots of yummy fruit stands along the way! One thing that I LOVED about it is that the place we went is this cove that is surrounded by rock breakers and so there aren't  any huge waves to worry about, just itty-bitty baby ones. All the kids can play in the water and you don't have to worry about them getting pummeled by a wave! Here are some pictures

There were so many kids so there were so many fun sand toys!

Turner LOVED playing in the sand

lunch included lot's of sand with each bite! 

How can you not love that face?!

My friend brought chairs for her two kids and Turner climbed right into the pink one and made himself at home! So cute!

It's Official

We are officially ready and approved to bring baby # 2 into our family! We are working with an "adoption team" that we have put together which includes our facilitator, social worker, and legal team! We are excited about the opportunity that we have to adopt again, and feel the Lord's hand in our decision and in our lives. Turner has brought us so much joy, we can't wait to double it!!

You have an opportunity to be apart of our "adoption team" as well by sharing this with all your friends and family! You never know who might be looking into adoption so by you sharing, we can hopefully find baby number 2! The search is on!

Here is the link to our adoption profile so birth mothers/families can learn more about us! http://alovingalternative.com/pregnant/megan-brandon/#2


Also, We just got back our pictures from our photographer friend and here are some of my favorites. Seeing them just makes me love and adore Turner even more!

May

May has been a really busy, fun month for us! Here are some picture highlights!

We had our house painted! We picked a grey color from Sherwin Williams and we LOVE it! 

In this picture you can see the color that it used to be which was a beige color that we didn't like. The picture with the ladder in front of the wall (it looks purple but it's not!) was a big deal for us because this wall used to be DARK RED! We felt like the color sucked all the light out of the room and made you feel anxious so we are so glad it is gone! We love the new paint! It make it feel so much bigger and lighter!

Brandon got me Tulips for Mother's Day, One of my faves! 

For Mother's Day we decided to go camping! I have always wanted to go to Big Sur and camp there because it is supposed to be one of the best places in the whole state of CA to camp - we thought it was pretty amazing! Some of the highlights were the hiking, the scenery, and when we saw whales!! It was awesome to get to spend time together! The only bummer part was that we ended up having to leave a night early because Turner's arm got hurt and we were worried that we needed to take him to the hospital. One cool thing that happened was that when we were packing up to go home I felt prompted to take our shower coins to a lady in the camping spot across from us. She was surprised to hear we were leaving and when I told her why she said "Let me check him out, I am a Nurse!" She looked him over and said that she didn't feel any breaks or anything and that she thought he would be okay but that it is probably good to go to a doctor just in case his arm was pulled out of socket. The closest one was 2.5 hours away so we decided to drive there and see how he was doing and then continue on if he was okay and take him to the doctor in the morning. He ended up falling asleep and sleeping the whole way home. Brandon was able to give him a blessing, and when we got up the next morning he was using it just fine so we didn't even have to take him into the doctor. Thank goodness for the priesthood and father's blessings.

Turner liked the hiking - he went right to sleep!

Us in a HUGE Red Wood Tree

A blurry picture of us in front of Phieffer Falls - It was gorgeous!

A bridge at the campground that was so beautiful

Turner and Mom looking at the river down below!

This is called McWay Falls - if you look close you can see the waterfall that falls down onto the beach. You can't go down to the beach but there is a trail that goes alongside it so that you can see it. 

Some of the beautiful scenery we saw along the way.

We stopped at a old library that had these huge sheets of redwood laying out to dry. When we asked about them they told us that in CA you cannot cut down a redwood tree but if one falls you can cut it up and use it. So they had one on the property that fell down and so they had it cut into sheets so that they could auction off the sheets and make money to support the library. It was pretty neat to see! 

Turner loved riding in the car because he had his new front facing car seat! He got to see all the pretty scenery along the way and Mom and Dad were able to play with him and entertain him a little more easily. He did great! 

On the drive there was a beach that all the seals come and sun bathe on. It was kind of stinky and windy but it was cool to see. There were hundred of them laying all down the beach. 

While we were waiting in line to check in at the campground Turner got to get out of his car seat and sit with Dad in the driver's seat. He LOVED it and kept pulling the lever that makes the water spray on the windshield. He thought that was pretty darn cool and would laugh each time. 

Sometimes we had to put Turner in the back of the truck while we were setting up camp or getting things out and he loved it. There was a lot of poison oak around the camp site so we had to watch him very closely and that made it a little hard but it was still a lot of fun. He loved being outside all day!

On our 2nd hike up to Look Out Point- Turner still asleep!

Setting up the Tent!

Beautiful Scenery on the drive so we got out to take some pictures! 

We took a guided path around some of the Redwoods. They had cool walking paths and information boards all around the campground. 

Helping Dad build a fire!

Roasting some weenies for Dinner!

We got up early and were going to go to a local place for breakfast but none of them opened until 8 or 9 and we woke up at 5 so went back to camp had breakfast and then took a drive to go see a famous Bridge. Turner was out about 5 min into the drive. He was SO SO tired - it was a long night in the tent for all of us because Turner didn't want to sleep on his own - and isn't used to sleeping with us and he moved all night and fussed all night. 

One of the most famous bridges in CA. It was pretty cool! 

Here is the actual bridge!

Silly faces while hiking!

Here is the campground where we stayed! It was awesome. Next time we will find a site that doesn't have as much poison oak. 

This is another cool bridge that you go over on the way to and from Big Sur. It was really pretty and a lot of fun to drive over. 

The next weekend we went to Yucaipa to celebrate our best friend Rachel's birthday. On the way we stopped in to say HI to Turner's biological grandmother Jackie! We all loved it and Turner got lots of Grandma love!

Memorial weekend was a lot of fun. My brother Montana and his family came out from AZ to spend the weekend with me and my sister Christian's family. We played a lot (which I should have got more pictures of!) We went to the park and played games and had lunch, we went swimming, we played card games, and ate a lot of delicious food. Brandon had a great time but I think the highlight for him was probably when he got his new phone!

On Monday after all the festivities were over and everyone went home we went and had our pictures taken by a friend of ours who is a photographer. She did a great job! This is one of my favorites!